Frustration and incertainity

Currently I am constantly anxious. I am worried about a lot of things and I have no idea how to relax.

We are paying off the apartment, which is not built yet. We have invested into the construction and waiting till the house will be built and we will be able to move in to our own flat. Thus me and my husband have basically lost 1/4 of our income due to these regular payments. And it will be so at least for 2 years more. I am very excited to see our new flat, but after the finish of the construction, we will have to design the flat, buy all the furniture, etc. So after an apartment is there, I will not be able to enjoy it still, because there will still be a lot of thing to do before the move.

I constantly have a lot of projects on my mind. Sewing, cross stitching, jewelries, knitting… I have a lot of ideas, but when I come to their implementation, I barely ever finish them and it makes me depressed again.

My mother wants me to have kids, but when I count all the expenses, that I have now and that I will have soon with the renovation in the new apartment, I clearly understand, that a child is the expense, I can not afford right now. My sister got married earlier, than me, but she says, she can not afford having a child right now, my mom is okay with that. But when I tell her the same, she thinks I am bullshitting her.

Weightloss is another problem. Trying to become smaller makes me stressed because I don’t see the real results. And at a certain point I understood, that I actually do not care anymore. I mean, I had that photoshoot, saw myself in not such a nice shape and I suddenly realized, that I don’t actually care, how I look. At all.

I live for the future. I don’t live in the current moment and when I stop and look around, I am just wondering, what am I doing. I am living with anticipation of something better to come. And when I am trying to reach it to enjoy, I understand, that all of it is still far away. I am ready to wait, but I am not sure, I will enjoy it, when I will get, what I want. Wow. So many “I”s in this abstract.

So, the main point of it all as that I am really tired of thinking about a future, planning everything, anticipating something. I want to reach a moment, when I will have everything I need and will be in peace with myself.

Another almost New Year’s resolution

Sometimes I hire a photographer and a studio to make pictures and the last photoshoot has clearly shown, that I should lose some weight. I have never weighed more, than today and I want these pictures to be the last ones with this weight.

The point is, that I still think, I look okay, but i feel myself not okay at all. My weight does not let me do some things, deepens problems with my backache and is generally a burden for me.

And my #weightlossjourney starts today.

First try to knit in many years

There are days, when you desperately want to do something. Your hands are itching and you clearly see a ready piece of art before your inner sight. And all you can think of, starting from that point of time, is anew project.

And you perfectly know, that you have a lot of unfinished things/projects in your stock, and you feel ashamed, that you are starting something new…But still. You go online and make a purchase. And start once again, hoping that this one you will finish.

Like many times before.